30 October 2015

Justin Timberlake Is a Big Fan

The middle-Little and I are sitting down front in the gorgeous, grand ballroom at the Beverly Wilshire. My kid’s received their award for Student Advocate of the Year. The speech the middle-Little gives brings down the house, by the way. GLSEN will be releasing it in its entirety at some point.  {They did! Here’s the speech!} Supper’s come and gone. Cake pops have come and gone. Superstars and big wigs from Disney, YouTube, and Target are sitting all around us. I’ve already delivered homespun advice on how to handle shitasses to my tablemates. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel take the stage to accept the 2015 Inspiration Award.
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28 October 2015

Muffins

Okay, I want y’all to get your minds around where I am. The ballroom of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. The Beverly Wilshire Hotel. Elvis used to live here. President Obama has stayed here. Pretty Woman was filmed here. And Julia “Pretty Woman” Roberts is seriously in the same freaking  ballroom right that very minute. Jim Parsons from The Big Bang Theory just walked in. A whole slew of YouTube stars I’m too old to know came parading through. Zachary Quinto is in da house.
Oh, look. There goes Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.

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26 October 2015

Julia Roberts Has a Potty Mouth

I don’t know what in the hell is happening from one moment to the next. I need a designated adult. No one seems to know this. I should have asked for one earlier when they offered me another glass of wine. Instead, I take a Klonopin in the bathroom of the Beverly Wilshire (like that stall’s never seen some prescription drug action before) and head to the ballroom just before Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel arrive.

I think they ask me ten times if I want to go back stage. I can’t. I’m afraid I’ll miss my baby’s speech, ’cause I don’t know what’s going on. What I miss back stage is some Pretty Woman shenanigans on accounta Julia has a potty mouth. I’mma call her by her first name, ’cause {SPOILER ALERT} she said fuck in front of my kid like five million times. I’m also gonna go on ahead and use the fuck word. I know my mister told me not to, but Julia “Shelby drink your juice!” Roberts says it, so there.

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22 October 2015

Poor Mo

This is the middle-Little’s first time flying. I want to get them a set of first time flyer wings from the pilot so bad, I can’t see straight. We’re having so much fun, cause it’s real now. The whole trip is real. As we’re boarding, the kid is freaking out over little things and their excitement makes me happy deep down in my soul. Something beautiful happens once we’re on board. I have zero shits to give about flying fat. I have two seats booked. I meet every single disdainful stare with all the love and joy I feel. Even when the crew members get the pinched faces with me, I keep on smilin’. This is my fat body. I like it lots and none of you can bitch about it being in your way ‘cause you require it to have two seats, even though I was amazed to find, I fit into one.

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21 October 2015

Leaving on a Jet Plane

We’re furiously packing, ’cause we’re leaving on a jet plane tomorrow. First, we gotta leave in a borrowed Volvo to get from our Lil’ Nashvegas to Atlanta. I pick up my friend’s car earlier tonight. She glues ninjas all over the interior. I die three times on the way home. I can’t wait to see what happens on the way to the airport. I’m sure ninjas will be popping out from every which a way.

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19 October 2015

Celebrating

You know how, sometimes, it just seems like you encounter asshole after asshole after asshole? Every person keeps treating you poorly. The waiter, your husband, your kids, the lady at the gas station, even your sister-friends… everyone’s got an extra dose of douchebaggery. You’re standing there covered in so much piss and vinegar, your eyes and spirit are stinging from the stench.

I remember an important truth today. When I think everybody else is being an asshole, my defenses are at Defcon One. I’m the common denominator there. It’s not everyone else. It’s me. Pretending like it’s everyone else only serves to make whatever mess needs cleaning bigger. Owning up to it is pretty damn hard. I won’t feel guilty about it now. I’ll own my mess and get to work.

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