Badass Beth 2.0
I know I can…
…live in loving kindness.
…love others. And that doesn’t mean I have to have them over for supper.
…do no harm, but take no shit.
…be generous with my love, my energy, my time.
…protect myself from negative influences.
…create a positive circle of friends.
…create positive self talk.
…call myself on my own bullshit.
…be honest, even if it hurts.
…be myself and know this is enough.
…see what others think of me as none of my damn business.
…learn new positive coping skills.
…calm the fuck down.
…truly know I have a great life.
Oh, friends, how I’ve longed to manifest this version of myself!
And here I am. Badass Beth is on the scene. I won’t always be able to do those badass things I listed above, but I know I am capable of doing them. I can do them. I had to stop thinking I’m trying and know I can.
Recently, I asked a writer friend of mine how she handles it when her work takes her to a dark place. I asked her, because my
writing was trickling over into everything else in my life. She knows me well enough to see the triggers, the horrifying symptoms of PTSD manifesting themselves in my life. She gave me her answer which was what works for her, but called me a few hours later. My friend cares for me and my work. What she wanted to say was important and I could feel every ounce of her being in her words. She said, “You’re allowed to be Badass Beth again. You need to be.”
Now, when she first said this, I froze, ’cause once upon a time, Badass Beth was a total bitch. A shrew. I was a negative beast who spat word vomit at whomever I felt wronged me which was pretty much everyone. Oh, I was sweet to some folks, but it was all or none. You either got my complete devotion or you got my wrath. I was in a constant state of defense, attaching myself to people who brought out the very worst of a very troubled me. The Badass Beth I was back in the day wasn’t only a bitch, she was an asshole too.
Four years ago on this very day, I flipped that shit. Not all at once. Not in a pretty series of life lessons I can chronicle in volume twenty of Chicken Soup for the Vagina Owner’s Soul. No, the lessons were messy, horrible, filled with duplicity, struggle, and mental hospitals too. During the last four years, I experienced periods of trying, with a ferocious intensity, to love myself as well as periods of overwhelming, crippling anxiety. Through all the ups and downs, an incredible, beautiful, balanced version of Badass Beth emerged, one who is capable of badassery sans the hate.
My friend had absolutely no idea what her advice would mean for me. She doesn’t know my back story. I had no idea what her
advice would mean for me either. As soon as she said it, I felt that little flame that’d never really gone out, the same flame that kept an abused child warm, a suicidal woman clinging to life. I felt that little flame ignite. Over the next few days, the flame grew and grew. I felt myself becoming stronger and more certain of myself. More capable.
Am I 100% ready to take on the world? Shit. Y’all know me. I have trouble leaving the house sometimes, but listen here. I know I can t
ake on the world. I know I can live in loving kindness. I know I can, because I already do. No more trying. I’m enrolled in the Yoda School for Badass Women.
Do. Or do not. There is no try.
I’m taking this seriously, but not freaking out about it. I’m here to live, not pass a test. Here’s my game plan, friends. I’m gonna keep gettin’ my shit together while I live with intent and give myself permission to be the Badass Beth I am. I feel like Xena, Warrior Princess. Yeah, like Xena, only with less muscle mass and more attitude.
I’m living with all the same crappy Crazies. I still have anxiety and depression. I’m still experiencing those triggers and dealing with them. It’s not pretty. It’s not perfect, but I’m doing it. On accounta I can. On accounta I have a great life that isn’t worse for wear. It’s better for it. I’m better for it, friends. Thanks bunches for bein’ present, bearing witness, and sharing your journeys with me too. Big love to you, B.