7 November 2016

Don’t Let It Happen Again

 It’s now or never, friends. I wanted to share this after the last Presidential debate, but honestly, I was too scared to do it. What will they think? What will they say? Some of them will run away and never read another word I write. I don’t talk politics on my blog! I’m ashamed I was scared because of those reasons, but that’s the truth. Well, y’all. I have to write this before it’s too late.

Recently, I made a public disclosure about inadvertently discovering the person who molested me as a child, the person who haunted my life until that moment, the person whose choice still wakes me up at night in a cold sweat, desperately fighting to know I am safe. I’m battling the aftershocks of that discovery. The triggers that come along with it, but what triggers the PTSD I’ve had for years and years is not something I can escape now.

Every time I see Donald Trump on television, hear his name spoken, think of him, I am molested all over again. I’m right back in that place, a little girl who was defiled. My thighs are sore and bruised. I’m left breathless and broken, not only by Donald Trump who has harassed and harmed young women, but by my American brothers and sisters who would consider electing him. How did it come to this? How can someone’s money and business credentials outweigh his treatment of women?

At first, I thought it must only be me. The discovery of my molester must be too new. That’s why Donald Trump is a constant trigger. I stumbled upon other women speaking in these same terms, identifying Donald Trump as a trigger for the sexual molestation, rape, and violence they survived. They relive every moment of the violation as he gives another speech, when another news story is played, when another friend gives a passionate defense of him on social media. Knowing other women feel as I do isn’t a relief, it’s confirmation I have to speak up. We’ve spent too many years together, friends, for me not to tell you that this is a reality.

For over a month now, I’ve had to take a medication to help me cope. My doctor described what’s happening as having my nervous system on fire. I startle easily. I can’t write outside at night, because I fear noises in my woods, my beloved woods. I jump when my dogs bark and get nervous when I hear a door open. I don’t like having my back to the door. I feel unsafe again. The nightmares bleed over into my days. I sit here with all of this, knowing the real horror is, my brothers and sisters may elect this man to be our president.

When I discovered the man who molested me, I told my sister I suspected it was him, but I never knew for sure. You know what she said? She said, “Beth, everyone knew. We all knew.” They knew it happened. And the terrible thing is, we all know this about Donald Trump. We know who he is. We know what he’s said and done and yet, we leave our daughters unprotected, just as I was.

I find Donald Trump abhorrent for a multitude of reasons, but this… this is not something I can remain silent about for fear of losing readers. I must share this with you now, on the eve of election day, before it’s too late to speak my piece. You may have a litany of reasons why you feel he is the best candidate to be our Commander and Chief, but know this. All I can think about is how he once said about a little girl walking by him, “I’ll be dating her in ten years.” All I can think about is the alleged rape of a 13 year old girl. All I can think of are the countless words he’s spoken in complete contempt of women of all ages.

I see a predator when I look at Donald Trump, someone with whom I would never leave my own children. Not even for a mi
nute. Would you, friends? Just ask yourself that question. As mothers and fathers, would you leave your little girls in a room with this man given the things he’s said and done? I know, I know. He’s not up for election to be my kids’ babysitter. He’s just being considered for the highest office in the country. Donald Trump’s behavior is already making an impact on the culture in which our children live. Little boys hear the things Donald Trump says. They see what he does. And it must be okay, because Mom and Dad are supporting him. Locker room talk, they call it. It’s okay to talk about violating women. Boys will be boys.

“I moved on her like a bitch. I couldn’t get there and she was married. Then all-of-a-sudden I see her, she’s now got the
big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look… Yeah that’s her with the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful… I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything…Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.

    I know this opens me up for dismissal, for hate, for abandonment by readers who have been faithful for many years. I know this will mean some of you will rush to defend Donald Trump or call me crazy for thinking and feeling the way I do. Or maybe it won’t make a difference at all. The thought of opening up my little corner of the internet to the vitriol I read elsewhere is cringe worthy, but I can’t remain silent. I’m not only protecting myself, I’m protecting my children.

Tomorrow, when I go to cast my vote, I’ll have to see his name there. The thought of going to my p
olling place fills me with the same dread I feel when I pass by the town where the man who molested me lives. When I vote this year, I won’t only be exercising my right, acting on my responsibility as a citizen of the most powerful country in the world, I’ll be facing a monster who sparks a visceral fear in my belly. Donald Trump is the thing that goes bump in the night. His name should have never been on that ballot.

Peace, B.

 

 

 

  • Caroline Barr
    Caroline Barr

    Thank you for posting so eloquently all the things I am also feeling. It is a time for us to come together, support one another in whatever way we can in these dark times. You are brave, talented and beautiful . I stand with you.

  • Becky Richey
    Becky Richey

    I agree with you one millon percent, I would not vote for him either. He is a disgusting person!

  • Ronda Depkin
    Ronda Depkin

    I am so disappointed. This is not the Beth I thought I knew. The soul sister only about love and light. The lover of Erma Bombeck and Don Williams. Someone I looked up to and thought knew me inside and out because she accepted herself who was so much like me. To take your page into politics and use the emotional blackmail that you did in this article negates every moment of peace you’ve given me. I’m heartbroken and less one friend.

  • Karen Davis
    Karen Davis

    As always, thank you for sharing. I voted early in Florida. As I posted on your instagram….#notthispussy.

  • Karen Davis
    Karen Davis

    As always, thank you for sharing. I voted early in Florida. As I posted on your instagram….#notthispussy.

  • Heather Pagles-Sebesta
    Heather Pagles-Sebesta

    Beth,
    Thank you for your bravery! The only positive thing that has come from his candidacy is that I am now dealing with my own sexual assault 11 years ago. Instead of hiding my anger and disgust about what happened to me in a public place, where no one stopped this guy, I am now openly talking about it and getting the help I need.

    I am with her and I am with you. Sending you much love and light.

  • nancy
    nancy

    Thank you so much for putting words to the feelings I would not allow myself to speak. It never crossed my mind that this could be the reason for the anxiety I feel.

  • Liliane
    Liliane

    I agree with everything you have said about that vile, sorry excuse for a human being. If you lose any readers because of your sobering words, then I say good riddance.

  • Amy
    Amy

    You are safe with us, your sisters. Speak your truth, whether it’s love or hate, pain or light. We don’t have to be the same, vote the same, or worship the same – we are still capable of loving you and respecting your opinion. Love you, Beth.

  • Charlene Caston
    Charlene Caston

    Unbelievable that you would post this the night before the election. Have you noticed that the woman that accused Trump of raping her dropped her case? Did you notice that as billionaire many people have accusations lodged against them and he is probably no exception. Yet when you look at that ballot tomorrow you won’t give an impeached president one thought? SMDH.

  • Jenni
    Jenni

    I am so sorry for what happened to you! And I applaude your bravery for speaking out. I can not understand this need to have him as our president. He is exactly what this country doesnt need. His words are disgusting and so degrading. It makes me want to cry that people are willing to vote this guy in. Im afraid for our country and our daughters!! Vote anyone, but not the Bigit, abuser and hot headed jerk!

  • Gina Kruger
    Gina Kruger

    Yes, we are stronger together and he MUST be defeated!!

  • Kay RIggle
    Kay RIggle

    I am standing with you!! I think many of us have been bothered by his treatment and abuse of women. I an hoping some of those fears will be lessened tomorrow evening. Love you!!!

  • Margaret
    Margaret

    Beth, I applaud your bravery in speaking out, and I am so sorry that he is a constant trigger for you regarding things that never should be done to you, to any child, to any person without her/his consent. I stand with you as I stand with her. Reconciliation for this nation will start in earnest Wednesday, I hope.

  • Beckie Morris
    Beckie Morris

    I think your instincts are right. He is a creep. I am sending peace and hugs your way.

  • Janie Hopwood
    Janie Hopwood

    I am deeply concerned with the behaviors modeled to our children by the politicians up and down. How can we hold children to behavior standards that people running for the highest office obviously do not follow? What happened to common decency, to respect, to basic human rights? I feel for you and your nightmare that will not pass, I understand we need to speak the unspeakable. Bless you, Beth.

  • Patricia
    Patricia

    I understand your feelings, I lived it as an 18 year old, but more importantly a 12 year old was viciously attacked, by a man that my friends mom got released from prison. The young girl was supposed to be watching ? my children but instead she fell for him saying he was looking for me ? I held her and cried a thousand tears. This THING has brought back all that pain.

  • Marti
    Marti

    Beth, I’m sorry DT has that power over you to feel thrown back to an awful time, but I just feel slimy every time I see him on TV. I hope as you do he is soundly defeated tomorrow and all the other politicians that have been inactive for so long. HRC is not perfect but I think she won’t embarrass us as a country or launch us into another war. I wish with all my heart that I could hold you and make it all the hurt go away but unfortunately it’s not that simple. BIG hug from me to you!

  • Susan Martin
    Susan Martin

    Oh Beth! Right there with you! How this monster rose up is beyond belief. I have had a soul awakening half decade of coming to terms with so much ugliness. I pray for peace and healing for this country. And our collective spirits. The issue is who will lead us to peace? Who will honor treaties and respect our water? Our lives… Our kid’s future? I don’t see a clear cut answer. I know it’s not him. I doubt it is her. I still want Grandpa Amazeballs.

  • Betsy
    Betsy

    Beth,
    You are a strong , intelligent , beautiful soul. Please know how much you are loved. Please know you are safe now.
    Peace, B


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Copyright 2017 by Beth Hallman. All rights reserved.

Posted November 7, 2016 by Beth in category "Mental Health

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